dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
