Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
