on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later