Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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