seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
