Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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