I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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