Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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