dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
