Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
tell me about the fingering
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