how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
