Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
