You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
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let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.