yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
