Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
