Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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