I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
