Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
