saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
