Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
