dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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