Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
