If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
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Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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