tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
