i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
