I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
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You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
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He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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