i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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