Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
