Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
