laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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