Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
