why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
