I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
