I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher