youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
