I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
