I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
God, I missed his penis.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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