Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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