They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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