no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
