your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
