Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
