If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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