I will die if light touches me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
