I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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