Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
