Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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