Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
