don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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