I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
