I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
