he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
