I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
