I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mom said you looked used
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
