I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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