you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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