So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
