so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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