dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
