Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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