when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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